Sickipedia

Wayne Rooney is negotiating being a pundit on match of the day. Watch him get them relegated to BBC2…

The Sun: Man Utd’s youngest player dies aged 84. No wonder they’re doing so shit

My wifes so fat she has to pay for two slimming world memberships

My daughter came home earlier and took me by surprise. She said: “Dad, cancel my allowance, take my clothes to the charity shop, sell my car, take my front door key away, throw my possessions in the bin, and disown me completely.” Well what she actually said was “dad, this is my new boyfriend, Leroy”

Eurovision is a bit like wanking Russian roulette. You darent say someone’s fit incase it’s a tranny

I think Man Utd stand a good chance of winning the league next season. They’ll easily take 6 points from teams such as Southampton, Oxford, Wycombe etc…

Genuinely gutted that two out of 3 of my heroes have passed away this month, coincidentally having matching initials. Ozzy Osbourne. Hulk Hogan. Please pray my 3rd hero stays ok. Gary Glitter

Wonderfall

The Mirror: woman dies in horror incident after running through glass door in row with boyfrIend. He didn’t see that one coming. And neither did she

Overprotective mum, 39, won’t let her 19 year old daughter out of her sight, not even for driving lessons. “she's never been with anyone else but me.” Inbred