Sickipedia

Houston, we have a poppadom.

The funeral of my beautiful Thai bride is next Wednesday and you’re all invited. To help fight the terrible disease that befell her, there’ll be a collection for Prostate Cancer Research.

Tom Cruise went to a walk-in vaccination clinic and asked for a booster. The doctor picked him up under his armpits and put him on a raised cushion.

I came top in a dungaree-wearing competition, so I suppose you could say I was the overall winner.

The identity of one of the women this week’s Channel drowning tragedy has been revealed. What a beautiful young woman; her family must be devasted. Does anyone know which Kent morgue she’s in? Asking for a friend.

All credit to Rebecca Welch. First, One Million Years BC, and now a Premier League referee. She’s officiating the Fulham-Burnley match. I’m going to put in a request that she’s topless. Phwooooaaarrrrrr!

I sense that deep within me I have an attachment to my Dyson vacuum cleaner. It's a crevice nozzle, and it's being removed later today at A&E.

Can I please ask my fellow Sickipedians NOT to buy garments made by children in the Philippines. I did, and the stitching’s fucking atrocious.

We need to address these appalling rape figures that keep going up and up. My advice to women is to just say “yes”.

Bankrupt Bradley Wiggins’s fat ex-wife has declared she’ll “Never turn my back on him”. Where the fuck’s he going to park his bike now?