Sickipedia

The contraction of “you” & “are” is “you’re”. Do be careful when your using it.

I’ve always fancied myself as a metrosexual so I’ve started frotting women on the London Underground.

As she dipped her leather whip into a bucket of full cream dairy milk and slashed it violently against his naked back, she decided to up her game by forcing a bung into his mouth, tying his hands behind his back with barbed wire, and taking him up the arse with a strap-on, using Deep Heat as a lubricant. This is not just a dominatrix session. This is an S&M dominatrix session.

I’ve just bought shares in Paint Wizard and Dent Magic ahead of Tuesday’s game. There’s a killing to be made fixing all those dents and key scratches on BMWs, Audis, and Mercedes outside Wembley.

Matt Hancock’s been diagnosed with Dyscalculia. He meant Rule of 7, not 6.

Today I saw a sign in my local fish restaurant “Pan-fried Turbot”. I thought I’d give it a try because the last time they used a plastic bucket and it was disgusting.

Julie Andrews sang of raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, and bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens. Fuck that. One of my favorite things is to illicit grateful smiles from toddlers as you dish out free sweets near their kindergarten. Phwoooooar!

Have you heard about the bloke that’s knocking off the coconut shy stallholder’s daughter?

When will my fucking wife stop nagging me to deplete my sea shell collection? It’s unconscionable.

Hi! Please come in. Take a seat. OK, I’m going to discuss your ADHD with you, and how we’re going to cure it. Firstly, let’s talk about… hello, can you hear me? It’s just that you didn’t appear to take in what I was saying. OK. Let’s try again. Today we’re going to try to address some issues you’re having with concentrating. I’d like to discuss… hello… hello… HELLO? Please, sit down again. I want to look at ways we can increase the way you engage with… hello… HELLO? Oh for fuck’s sake CONCENTRATE you thick dozy bastard. On second thoughts, just fuck off. I’ve had enough.