Sickipedia

I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." "Capricorn." I replied. "Yeah, right," he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."

There's been a lot of debate about how to tackle the growing problem of children being attacked by 'fighting dogs' such as Bull Terriers, which are often owned by Chavs who use them as weapons and status symbols. I think the only reasonable solution is to have them all rounded up and humanely destroyed. And then re-home their dogs.

How do you tell the difference between a dwarf and a midget? Dwarves do pantomime Midgets do porn.

If I had sex with Santa would that make me a hohohomosexual?

Rang an estate agent yesterday about selling my house. He asked if I had a semi. A bit forward I thought.

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus' weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger. (I'll get my coat)

How do you know if a woman is feeling miserable? Everyone around her is made to feel the same.

Remember chaps.. when your girlfriend asks where you're taking her for her birthday 'up the arse' is the wrong answer.

Accordion to recent surveys, words replaced by musical instruments will often go unnoticed in a sentence.

I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.