Sickipedia

I poked my head over my sexy neighbours fence earlier to see her sun bathing in her bikini. "You're gorgeous!" I said with a wink, "I hope you know how to do CPR." "Why, because I've taken your breathe away?" She asked, winking back. "No," I replied. "Because I've just ran your son over out front."

I looked down the stairs last night to see a Muslim wearing a turban taking money that was left on our fire place. I grabbed the hammer from my tool box in the bedroom, before dashing down the stairs, smashing him in the back of the head with it, taking him by surprise. As I stood watching the blood seep through the back of his turban as he lay flat on his face, I quickly realised... My wife had just got out the bath.

I always carry a knife with me when I'm out with my family during the summer time. Just in case I see a wasp land on my wife's neck.

I've just read that children are being sent home from school because they're refusing to wear blazers because it's too hot. We shouldn't be wearing school uniforms anyway. We should be like America and wear shorts, T-Shirt, back pack and an AK47 to school.

I wore my favourite black suit to my wife's funeral. I fucking love my Batman costume.

My neighbour knocked at my door in the early hours this morning. He said, "Your car alarm has been going off all night mate, I've got a work in a few hours and had no sleep." "Stop worrying," I replied. "I've got a steering lock on it."

My daughter's school teacher rang me today. She said, "Sarah didnt turn up for school today, is everything okay?" I said, "Her mother died last night I'm afraid, she's still trying to get to grip with things." "Oh no, how's she's getting on?" She asked. "Very well," I replied. "She's just made tea and is on her second load of washing."

This is a Palestinian style attack....Car ramming through a crowd and then a knife assault. Let's not jump to conclu.......aaaaaaand it's Muslims!

So it's the second time inside a week that innocent bystanders have been mowed down on public footpaths. The first time being while my wife was on her driving lesson yesterday.

I read Kate McCann's book today and I have to say it was right up my street. In fact I'd say Kate's right up there with Stephen King.