Sickipedia

The neighbours have laughed for weeks at the 'Beware of the Dog' sign in my window which displays a picture of my little Chihuahua named Tiddles. That was until last week when it bit the kid's ankle who lives next door. Now they're all terrified of catching Rabies.

My wife almost died when she saw how big the porn collection was in my wardrobe. I found her unconscious on the bedroom floor covered in magazines.

I burst into a hotel last with an unconscious young girl over my shoulder. "Quick!" I shouted, "I think she's take an overdose of drugs!" "Shall I phone an ambulance?" The receptionist panicked. "No," I replied. "I want a room!"

My wife walked into the kitchen last night, stuck her hand down the front of my trousers and said, "Feeling horny?" I said, "Yes, let me just go and slip into something a little more sexier." "Like your silky boxers?" She asked. "No," I replied. "Your sister."

Nicola Sturgeon's actions regarding the outcome of the Scottish referendum remind me of my sex life. I won't take 'no' as an answer either.

I'm thinking about finishing my girlfriend because she's not living up to me expectations. I asked her for a Xbox One for Christmas - She got me a Xbox 360. I asked her for an IPhone 7 for my birthday she got me and iPhone 5 I've just rang her to ask her what's for tea, reminding her that it's Steak and Blow Job day. She's told me I'm getting a Pot Noodle and a wank.

I'll never forget the last words my wife said to me before she died - "I'll see you in heaven darling." So far I've murdered my boss, raped 5 women and set the local orphanage on fire.

I gave my wife a cuddle last night and told her that I loved her. Ecstasy can make you do some pretty fucked up shit.

A sexy young girl approached me in the club last night - "Wanna buy me a few drinks?" she asked. Of course," I replied shooting to the bar. After she had drunk 5 vodkas within 10 minutes, I gave her a nudge - "I bet you're the type of girl that uses men to get drunk and gives nothing in return, aren't you?" I asked. "You've got me all figured out," she smirked. "Well not tonight!" I replied, waving an empty Rohypnol box in her face.

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday when I stood up to make a proposal. I said, "She can can have the 2 cars, the house, all the money we have in the bank and full custody of our 2 children on one condition... I get to keep what ever I have in my pocket." "It's a fucking deal!" My wife interrupted with a smug look on her face. "You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"