Sickipedia

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

We're so skint in our house, my wife sold one of her kidneys to pay for the kids new school uniform ...... If things get any worse, I'll have to cancel Sky Sports ......

Just been watching the ladies beach volley ball and there has already been a bad wrist injury. I should be ok by the morning though........

Met this girl at a party. She said people called her Vivaldi. I asked " Is that because you're a brilliant violinist". She said " No, it's because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi."

Every time my doorbell goes my dog hides in the corner He's a Boxer

I was thinking of having a tattoo for my birthday this year. But I'm not too keen on bagpipes, and I don't think our garden is big enough?

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

I've recently started carrying a Doner Card. It allows someone to eat my kebab in the event that I am too pissed to

"Breaking News" The inventor of the Anagram has died...may he "erect a penis"....

I just went for a cappuccino in Costa, The barista asked, "do you want sprinkles?" I said "yes please".........and now I'm stuck with her incontinent cat !!!!....