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melissaforethought

Member since 6 years ago

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tintinquarantino

member since 6 years ago

This guy found me in the woods with my face between his teenage daughters legs. "What the fuck are you doing you sick bastard!!!" he screamed. "Hang on mate, she was choking to death, I'm saving her" I replied "What, by doing that?!?" he fumed. "Yes, haven't you ever heard of the hymen-lick manoeuvre?" I responded.

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"How's you're love life?" "I'm pissing in the wind" "No luck eh?" "Quite the opposite, I've met a kinky girl who likes golden showers while she farts"

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Michael Barrymore has started his own tribute band. Badly Drown Boy.

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My grandad survived mustard gas and pepper spray in the war. He's a seasoned veteran.

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I've just moved into a Green Belt area. Everyone I've met is half decent at karate.

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I've just come back from holiday in Cuba with stomach problems. Doctors think it might be Castro-entiritus.

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Ever since my brother had his arms blown off in Afghanistan he's developed a drink problem. He can't handle his beer.

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I'm making myself a Swiss Army Wife. She's got a corkscrew and a bread knife in her at the moment.

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Some people these days don't know they're born. Babies with serious brain injuries are a good example.

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Speed cameras can also tell if you've been using cocaine.

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