Sickipedia

The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they try and vote again for independence. I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

If you kill yourself , it's called suicide .If you kill someone , it's called homicide .If you kill thousands , it's called genocide .If you kill the King , it's called regicide .If you kill your brother , it's called fratricide .And , if you have 2 Premier League teams , and neither have won the League for over 20 years , it's called Merseyside .

Crimewatch:48 year old Javed Ali was brutally stabbed and after 2 weeks lying in a coma his family made the agonising decision to shut the shop and go visit him

How easy is it to impersonate Victor Meldrew? a) don't b) leave it

Labour have pledged to invest in Merseyside and create 100,000 jobs if they win the election. The Conservatives now regard Liverpool as a safe seat.

I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive. Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.

"When the pupil is ready, the teacher will come."Great Chinese proverb.Horrible defense in court.

I found a young homeless girl hidden out by the bins last night. She was dirty and didn't smell roo good but, underneath the grime, I could see she was pretty and had a good body. I brought her inside and gave her a bath. As I was towelling off her naked body, I became aroused and one thing led to another. Before I knew it, I was making passionate love to her. I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you'd have sworn she was alive.

I was watching Crimewatch the other night, they showed harrowing CCTV footage of a man raping a woman behind a hedge next to a bus stop, after the rape he then casually waited 30 minutes for a bus to come. It's totally shocking , the transport system in this country is a disgrace

Just been on Trip Advisor. They recommend LSD and magic mushrooms.