Sickipedia

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend Miss."

My daughter's hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 8 f'kin hours looking for it... No luck though, he definitely wasn't in the pub.

The wife told me the cat needed to be chipped. I only had a nine iron, but I still got it over the shed.

I can't believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in.

One day, the teacher asked her class, 'What vegetable makes you cry?' Little Johnny replies "a turnip Miss". "No Johnny' says the teacher, "Onions make you cry, not turnips." "No Miss", says Johnny, "Obviously you have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?"

I had loads to drink last night, so before I went to work I made sure I had plenty of mints just in case anyone could smell alcohol on my breath. Despite this, within minutes, the Boss came up and told me to leave the premises until I'd sobered up. "How did you know I was drunk?" I asked "You've still got a traffic cone on your head."

The divorce rate amongst my socks is astonishing!

I was showing my mate some of my grandfather's valuables in his living room after he passed away. I said, "this is his old knife, he stabbed a German with this!" My mate said, "What, in World War 2?"... I said,"No, last year in Majorca. They had a row over a sun lounger!"

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie ?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'. The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'. The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it ?' The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'. 'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves .... ..... NEVER TO RETURN !!!!!! One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you ?' To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'. The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous.' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'. The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.' The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'. The barman said 'You never came back, what happened ?' 'I DIED', said the Rabbit. 'NO!' said the barman, 'what from ?' After a short pause. The rabbit said... 'Mixin'-me-toasties'

"How would you feel about a threesome?" my wife asked over breakfast this morning. "Wow, that would be amazing!" I said. "Which of my friends would you like me to ask?" she went on, licking her lips seductively. "How about Rachel and Gemma?" I replied.