Sickipedia

The wife told me the cat needed to be chipped. I only had a nine iron, but I still got it over the shed.

If you want to know how many bees Noah had... Check the ark hives.

Your call is important to us... But not important enough for us to employ a sufficient number of staff to answer it.

"Can I have a pack of condoms?" I asked the pharmacist, "A small box?" he asked, "I hope so!" I replied.

Boss: "You've been late for work three times this week. Do you know what that means?" Me: "It's Wednesday?"

I had the police round earlier telling me to take down my Islamic State flag. Turns out I had my black table cloth hanging out to dry... And a bird had shit all over it!

I said to my wife, "Sit down, I've got something to tell you." "What is it?" she asked. "I took £50 out of your purse last night." "Blimey Tim," she said, "You nearly gave me a heart attack, I thought you were going to tell me that you've slept with another woman." "It was for a prostitute."

I was very good at selling security alarms door to door... If no one was home, I'd leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

My daughter's hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 8 f'kin hours looking for it... No luck though, he definitely wasn't in the pub.

I think one of my Dads is gay?