Sickipedia

Reed recruitment switchboard: “Just look back over your previous employment, there must be something you can offer.... .... come on, think, think; everybody has at least one talent.... Okay .... yes....yes..... go on ... yes, yes...... mmmm .... yes.... oh!.....is that honestly the only thing you can do?..... .... I’m sorry Mr Donelly, but I’m not sure we can help. An ability to make pissheads appear clever is not really something employers are looking for these days.”

When I was a lad ISIS were called THE THE. Their latest single is currently shopping in France.

Went to an amputees disco last night. At the end of the evening the DJ played the Hokey Cokey as a grand finale..... total chaos! Did it all kick off?..... mmm... sort of

Wouldn’t like to say that the owner of my local halal restaurant is tight; but he only puts on an all you can eat offer during Ramadan.

How do you give a woman an orgasm? Who gives a shit!

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, (she can cook in the dark.)

How many puffs of Salbutramol does it take Chris Froome to change a lightbulb?

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked to choose his favourite religious festival. After a moment of quiet thought he announced: “Have to love Easter, baby!”

Billy Ocean’s new love is a champion rock climber. She’s his Karabiner Queen.

A lad comes back from a school trip to a farm; his mum asks him what animals he saw. “Well, I saw pigs, sheep, horses, geese, fuckers and some hens.” “You can’t say that word, it’s rude” said his mum. “What word?” “The ‘f’ word; anyway, there’s no such animal as a fucker.” “Yes there is”, replied the son, “Mrs Smith called them heifers, but we all knew what she meant.”