Sickipedia

There was a robbery at the local jam factory last night. The thieves broke in after they realised the door was a jar.

A man was swimming in the sea when an aggressive flatfish bit him on the toe. After a lengthy struggle, he was just about able to shake it off and retreat to the shore at the base of a cliff. Unfortunately for the man, the cliff face appeared entirely intraversable and meanwhile the flatfish was lying in wait for the man, should he return to the water. -He was stuck between a rock and a hard plaice.

Picked up a Chinese last night. -He said, "Aaah, you no do that, you put me down!".

I'm currently reading a book on flypaper... -I can't put it down!

Doctor, Doctor, every time I play cricket I can't resist the urge to throw food of a sweet or savoury nature, encased in pastry. Sounds like a classic case of pie bowler disorder!

Ha-mind-me Ranger (Rover)

John Torode has been sacked from Masterchef after using an "extremely offensive racist term". He denies having any recollection of doing so. The complainant, former contestant Bocker Glory, has declined to comment.

I called a landscaper the other day, asked him if he could do the garden. He said "Do you want decking?". I said "That's entirely uncalled for... I already have a patio!".

Things have gone from bad to worse for the victims of the attack in Boulder, Colorado as they've just been handed a $60 fine for smoking in a public area!

What kind of cheese do you use to blindfold a horse? -Couple of slices of Edam works well in my experience.