Sickipedia

Why are there so many Jews at anti-Israel protests? Because they thought "Free Palestine" was a special offer!

Made the mistake of peering through the glory hole in the public toilets... I don't know what came over me!

There was a label on my tin of chickpeas that read, "Warning: Contains Allergens". They'll do anything to get into the country these days!

Got stopped by the police the other day. I wound down my window and the policeman said, "Do you know why I've pulled you over?" He pointed to a sign that read "Twenty's Plenty" I said, "This is ridiculous officer, I've only had 12 and a wee nightcap!"

Man walks into a restaurant and says, "I'll have the Pad Thai". The waitress replies, "You no have the pad thai, you only have a good time heah!".

Did you hear about the guy who got his hand stuck in a cash machine? He's suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

I went for a Chinese last night... The little bastard got me order wrong!

Plenty of washed-up celebrities do panto but not many have done Aladdin. Except Michael Barrymore.

-Knock, knock -Who's there? -Big Ish. -Big Ish who? -Get fucked, I've just knocked on your front door!

Two blokes down the pub, one says to the other: "Just been on holiday to the Caribbean, the missus came too!" "Jamaica?", The other one asked. First guy says, "Did I fuck, the flights alone cost a grand!".