Sickipedia

Picked up a Chinese last night. -He said, "Aaah, you no do that, you put me down!".

I'm currently reading a book on flypaper... -I can't put it down!

Doctor, Doctor, every time I play cricket I can't resist the urge to throw food of a sweet or savoury nature, encased in pastry. Sounds like a classic case of pie bowler disorder!

Ha-mind-me Ranger (Rover)

John Torode has been sacked from Masterchef after using an "extremely offensive racist term". He denies having any recollection of doing so. The complainant, former contestant Bocker Glory, has declined to comment.

I called a landscaper the other day, asked him if he could do the garden. He said "Do you want decking?". I said "That's entirely uncalled for... I already have a patio!".

Things have gone from bad to worse for the victims of the attack in Boulder, Colorado as they've just been handed a $60 fine for smoking in a public area!

What kind of cheese do you use to blindfold a horse? -Couple of slices of Edam works well in my experience.

Just seen the story about all the asylum seekers staying in a hotel in Hull. Hopefully someone will answer their pleas and allow them to return home!

Irishman calls a decorator in to do his kitchen. He points to a patch of scorched wallpaper behind the stove and says "I'd like this fixing please". The decorator asks, "How the fuck did you manage that?!". The Irishman says "I bought a frozen pizza and it said turn the oven to 180 degrees on the box!".