Sickipedia

I went to see the Red Arrows last weekend. There was near miss after near miss, screams of "oooooohhh" and "aaaaaaahhhhh" But eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show.

A recent scientific study reveals that women have cleaner minds than men. This, scientists say is basically due to the fact that they change them every fucking 10 seconds or so.

I saw this girl crying in the pub so I went up to her and asked what was wrong. "I split up with my boyfriend because he's a sexist pig." "I'm a great listener if you want to tell me more." I replied. "But you don't even know me," She cried, "why would you want to listen to me?" "Because you have massive tits."

After that you're fucked!

Sterling at his best

A pregnant woman was shot three times in the stomach. She was pregnant with triplets, two girls and a boy, and each one was hit with a different bullet. Sadly, the mother died and the burden of parenthood was left to the father, all alone. About ten years later one of the girls came up to their father and said "Daddy, I was weeing and a bullet came out!". So the dad sat down and told her the story. The next week, the second daughter came up to her father... "Daddy, guess what! I was just peeing and a bullet came out!" So again, the father sat her down and told her the story. A few weeks later, the son rushed down the stairs. Before he could say a word, the father said "Let me guess; you were peeing and a bullet came out." The son said "No, I was wanking and I shot the dog!"

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man. "Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?" The man groans, but remains seated. The Usher becoming impatient with the man, "sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved" Again the man just groans, which infuriates the Usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "alright buddy, what's your name?" "Sam" the man moans. "And where ya from Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "the balcony"

Some people see images of our lord and saviour in their toast. Some see him in the clouds. Now it seems to be in toilets. Every time I have a shit at work I always hear the person who goes into the cubicle after me say, "Jesus Christ".

Glue?

Dirty bastards