Sickipedia

If marriage has taught me one thing in life, it's how to masturbate in bed without waking my wife up.

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has obviously never had two snicker bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

BREAKING NEWS: The government has announced that friendly intimate contact is allowed from May 17th meaning that someone like me will not be affected by this rule at all.

A Polish man walks into Specsavers for an eye test. The optician shows him the test card, and on it says: "C Z W J X N Y S A C Z" The optician then asks him "Can you read that?" The Polish man says "Read it? I know the cunt"!

Today has got to be the best day of the year so far!

I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, "You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best shag ever." She said, "My boyfriend is right beside you." "Good, I'm glad I've got his support."

I spent 14 years learning how to improve my handwriting and now we're using keyboard.

I walked up to a random overweight woman in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?" "I'm afraid not," she replied, "I don't shop here often." "Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."

I just saw Craig David with the Olympic Archery team. He's the bow selector.

BBC News: Bill and Melinda Gates start divorce proceedings after 27 years of marriage. Apparently she wants a younger man that can give her big and hard instead of Microsoft.