Sickipedia

Man gets to heaven, and he’s amazed… It’s one vast, infinite room full of clocks. ‘What’s with the clocks?’ he asks St Peter who replies ‘Everyone on earth has their own clock. Underneath each one, you’ll see a name, date of birth and their occupation and when their clock stops, we know it’s time to go down and fetch them up.’ The man continues staring in awe when he notices out of the corner of his eye, the minute hand on one of the clocks suddenly spins around rapidly gaining an hour. ‘What’s that all about?’ he asks and St Peter says, ‘It’s a bit embarrassing but every time someone on earth masturbates, they lose an hour from their life, hence the hands quickly spinning around.’ ‘That’s incredible says the man, ‘Do you mind if I have a quick look round?’ ‘Be quick,’ says St Peter, I’m due to book you in’ The man’s gone for hours and St Peters getting worried but finally spots him, stumbling over the horizon of the vast, infinite room of clocks and he shouts out, ‘Where the fuck have you been?’ Man replies, ‘Sorry. Just looking for clocks belonging to Sickipedia Moderators.’ St Peter says, ‘Oh they’re all over there in the corner. We use theirs as extractor fans.’

A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person.” The dwarf replied “I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up.” “It’s ok,” said the woman, “my husband is working away until next week.“ So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman. They start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens. “Shit, it’s my husband!“ she said. ”Quick, hang out of the bedroom window and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away!” So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips. The husband comes in the bedroom, says “It’s cold in here!” slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground. The woman is distraught and calls an ambulance. A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital. “How are you?” she asked. “Well, my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion, ”he said. “Oh dear!” she said. “Still, it could have been much worse.“ “Much worse?!” said the dwarf. “How do you figure that out?” “Well,” she said, “you’re lucky that I live in a bungalow!”

A Russian soldier runs up to a nun. “Please let me hide under your dress, I’ll explain later” The nun agrees. A moment later, two military policeman approach her and ask, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way” and off they went. The soldier crawls out from under the dress and says, “I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go and fight in the Ukraine” The nun replies, “I completely understand” The soldier then adds, “I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you have a great pair of legs” The nun replied, “If you’d have looked higher, you’d also have seen a great pair of balls too. I don’t want to go and fight in the Ukraine either”

Just heard that the new James Bond will be aimed at the woke brigade. will star as a man transitioning to a woman. The film will be called … “Cocktopussy”

Thanks to everyone for their concern. First off, I'm OK though I was a bit shook up. If you don't already know, I was robbed at Tesco's petrol station earlier this morning. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police. They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money's gone, however. The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, "Yes, it was pump number 1.

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Fuck Me! England have actually sent some Africans home!!!

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon IS NOT up for a good time! What an awkward phone call that was….

The Notting Hill Carnival has been cancelled this year but don’t worry, you can recreate the entire experience at home by simply banging saucepans together for 16 hours, taking a shit in your front garden, handing over your wallet to a complete stranger and stabbing yourself!

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