Sickipedia

I took the wife to Paris for a romatic weekend. We were near the Moulin Rouge when she decided she needed a piss, so I sent her down to the Metro while I stood admiring the skirt. A prostitute came along and asked if I fancied some action. So I asked "How much?" She said, "300 Euros", I made a counter offer of 100 Euros. "Fuck off", she said, You won't find anything decent for that price and then walked off. The wife duly came up from the toilet and we carried on arm-in-arm enjoying the sights. A couple of corners later the prostitute spotted us and shouted, "I told you you wouldn't get anything fucking decent for 100 Euros!".

My dog loves it, when I bring home some tit-bits for him after work. One of the perks of working in the local mastectomy unit.

There I was, oggling the women sitting behind glass in the red light district of Rotterdam. I casually knocked on a window and asked, "How much?" She said, "500 Euros". "That's a bit fucking steep", I replied. She said, "Triple glazing doesn't come cheap".

A guy meets a girl in the Disco. After an evening of fun, drinks and dancing, she agrees to go back to his place for a last one. On the way there, she notices that her period's started. "Ah fuck it", she thinks, "He's so pissed, he'll never notice". After a night of fun and frolics in the sack, she decides to get up early and piss off before he wakes up. When he wakes up with a massive hangover, he throws the sheets back only to see blood stains all over the bed. He quickly looks in his bedside cabinet and checks his gun. It hasn't been fired. "Thank fuck", he thinks, "I haven't shot her". He then rushes to the kitchen, and finds that all knives are in place, clean and unused. "Thank fuck", he thinks, "I haven't stabbed her". When he gets to the bathroom, he looks in the mirror and screams "Oh fuck, I've eaten her".

Roses are red-ish Violets are blue-ish If you ain't got a foreskin You're probably Jew-ish

Pubic announcement: As of now, I shall not be participating in any further slanging matches. I come here to find things to laugh about, not to be trolled for posting jokes that I find funny or that I have thought up myself. If you don't like a contribution, vote it down, if you like it, vote it up - simples. I always type in key words to search for dupes before I post anything but the system's not infallible. If you have any constructive comments to make, feel free. If you haven't - then fuck off. BTW, I know that PubLic has an L in it.

A young lad, trying to impress a girl he fancied, was showing his toys off to her. Every time he showed her something he thought would impress her, he was told that she had a bigger and/or better one. In despair, he got his cock out and said, "You haven't got one of these". She dropped her knickers, pointed to her cunt and said, "No, but I've got one of these and my Mummy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want".

I was sitting on the bus, opposite a beautiful Thai bird. She tantalisingly spread her legs. I thought to myself, "For fuck's sake, dont get a hard on". Unfortunately she did!

Jürgen Klopp can take the credit for this one: When he was asked if he could put his finger on what went wrong against Red Star Belgrade: He said "I only have 10 fingers...."

The day after Jean Charles De Menezes got taken out in a London tube Station, my missus asked me if I'd like to do a Brazilian on her. I said, "I'd love to". I then threw her to the ground and shot her in the head several times.