Sickipedia

Fucking nig nogs, complain about having to run 5 miles for water but win every fucking Marathon they enter.

My son came home late last night. I asked him, "Where the fuck have you been till this hour of the morning?" He told me he'd just had his first sexual experience. I said, "Good on you son, sit down and have a beer". He said, "I'd love a beer but I can't sit down just yet".

A gay friend of mine was watching a Gorilla in the zoo playing with irs huge cock. He said to me, "Do you think he'd mind if I stroked it?" I said, "Give it a try". He stroked the gorilla's cock and the Gorilla promptly dragged him into the cage and gave him a good shafting. I visited him in Hospital and asked, "Does it still hurt?" "Of course it fucking hurts", he said. The bastard hasn't even bothered to ask how I am".

I was just watching a report on the Manchester bombing. The reporter said they were going to show some Images which some people may find disturbing. I won't sleep tonight after seeing one particular Image - Ariana Grande!

If I had a pound for every charity that's asked me to donate "just two pounds", I'd be able to donate to half of them.

There are good garages, mediocre garages and there's this

Lenny Henry has been complaining that there are not enough black People of TV. The BBC have responded by announcing that they are going to start showing daily episodes of crime watch.

I asked my Gran how she liked her new stair lift. "It's driving me up the fucking wall", she said.

I asked the wife what she would like for Christmas. She said, "I'd like nothing more than a pair of diamond earings and a ring to match". Well that's that sorted then, she's getting nothing.

Fucking women, there's no pleasing them! Last year the wife got me two shirts for Christmas and I decided to wear the blue one on Christmas day. As soon as I got downstairs, shes said, "So,you don't like the grey one then, you ungrateful twat?"