Sickipedia

I went into a flag shop yesterday and asked for a green Union Jack. "Green? We only do them in red, white and blue." said the salesman. "Ok, I'll have a blue one."

"I had sex with twins yesterday", I said to my mate. "How did you tell them apart?" he asked. "Well, Susan has blonde hair, and Roger has a beard."

My new girlfriend is very traditional, she wouldn't even kiss me until our 3rd date. Though that did make the rimming on the first 2 dates rather impersonal.

3 prostitutes were sat at a bar discussing how much they could fit into their vaginas. The first one said " I can get 2 cocks in at once." "That's nothing," said the second one. "I can get 2 cocks and a dildo in mine." The third one just slid quietly down her stool.

Jemma Beale? I'd rather fuck Ian Beale.

2 doctors were discussing a patient. "I say, Jeremy. Did you tell that poor Pakistani chap that he was going to die?" "Yes Giles, I did." "You fucking bastard, I wanted to do it."

"I'll bet you £5 that you can't get my whole cock into your mouth," I said to my secretary. "There, I did it," she mumbled, her words vibrating down to my balls. "Ah, you win" I sighed, throwing the fiver at her.

I was in the pub last night when the landlords'dog sat in the corner and started licking his bollocks. "I wish I could do that," I said to my mate. "Give him a biscuit and he might let you."

"I've got good news and bad news," said the doctor as I lay in my hospital bed. "What's the bad news?" I asked. "We have to amputate your legs." "Oh God, no!!! Well what's the good news?" "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"

This GenghisIV makes Hannah look like Billy fucking Connolly.