Sickipedia

I always said Robinho had a bad touch

So Robert Mugabe has resigned. Harry Redknapp has said he is interested in the role

My doctor said I've been having to much phone sex! Now I have hearing aids!!!!

So Serena Williams got Married over the weekend, the theme was beauty and the beast. his wife must be gorgeous

I saw a man in a recovery truck banging his hands on the dash and crying! I thought he's heading for a breakdown.. Source unknown to me

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled .....so I told her to fuck off.

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"

I was sat on the train yesterday when a beautiful Thai Bird got on, I thought to myself don't get a hard on, please don't get a hard on!!!! But she did

Mary was waiting nervously to speak with her dad, plucking up the courage she finally spoke "dad I have a muslim boyfriend, and we are getting married" "you dirty little slag!!! get out of my house I never want to see you again he retorted" and threw Mary out onto the street. A few months later the phone rings and Mary is sobbing down the phone "dad please come and get me its horrible. I want to come home. After collecting the address he flew out to Dubai to collect his daughter from her nightmare he arrives at the biggest palace he ever seen. as he walked in Mary ran down the huge spiral staircase and said "dad it's horrible he kinky and into weird sex. my bumhole was like a five pence piece and now its like a fifty pence piece!!! He looked at Mary and replied "and you want to give all this up for 45p

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!". So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie. "Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine NO!" His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says : "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her tits. "Pierre, what are you doing?" "My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine NO!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU BASTARD!!!?" "My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!" Stolen from my local pub