Sickipedia

Big old buck nigger walks into a bar with this parrot on his shoulder. Parrot says, ‘Barman ! A pint of bitter for my companion, and a bag of nuts for me, please.’ Parrot opens the bag, eats the nuts. Coon drinks the beer. Few minute later, parrot says ‘Barman! Half for him and some dry roasted for me this time, please’ Barman serves, looks at the wog and says, ‘fuck me, he’s amazing where did you get him?’ Parrot says, ‘London, there are millions of the cunts’ - classic - Bernard Manning -

I was pissed and disorderly the other night, with a beer stained scruffy fiver left in my pocket, and was approached by a drunk rough old tart looking for some business. I said I only had a fiver and she said i could lick her fanny for that, so fuck it I’ll have a go, any port in a storm etc. So I was down there sniffing and chewing and I got a mouthful of cabbage and sprouts. I gagged, and said ‘what the fuck is this crap up your fanny?’, as you would. ‘Ohhh’, she said, ‘it’s so nice carry on don’t stop.’ So a bit more gnawing down there, and I got a chewed up lump of brisket fat and some fucking peas stuck in my teeth. ‘Fuck’, I said, ‘I’m going to puke’ She said, ‘that’s what the last bloke said’

I was on this train late the other night, and this bird sat opposite me with a mini skirt on and no drawers. So I sat there, inspecting it as you would, and she said ‘if you come closer it’ll smile at you’. So I did. And fuck me the ends curled up and it smiled. Having a closer look, she said ‘if you come closer it’ll wink too’ So I did, and fuck me it winked. She said, ‘i bet you’d like to stick two fingers in there wouldn’t you’ I replied, ‘don’t tell me it whistles as well’

Two micks in a 757 coming into land at Dublin airport. Murphy says, ‘fek me paddy, this fekking runway is terribly fekking short, to be sure it ‘tis so’ Paddy says, ‘be Jesus Murphy, to be sure it is so, but look how fekking wide the cunt is’

I used to be a necrophiliac, ‘til some rotten cunt split on me

Two flies sitting on a piece of shit. One fly says to the other, ‘I’m bored, let’s go on the piss’

Two flies sitting on a piece of shit. One fly lifts a leg and draws out a good long dribbly fart. The other says ‘you dirty cunt, you put me off my dinner’

Kid gets home from school pissed off. ‘It isn’t fair’, kid moans. ‘Bobby just got a new bike, a new iPhone, a new iPad, new trainers, new clothes, a puppy and a months holiday in disneyland’ ‘Why can’t I have leukaemia’

Bloke walks into doctors farting. Every time he takes a step, his arse spits and growls like an ill dog. Doctor says ‘oh dear, please walk over to this bed, drop your trousers and bend over’ Bloke does as he’s told, farting all the way, with a spectacular drawl upon bending over. Doctor walks over with this 2 metre pole with a massive brass hook on one end. ‘Fuck me doc’, says the bloke between farts. ‘Please don’t stick that up my arse’ ‘ I aren’t’, said the doc, ‘I’m going to open the windows coz it fucking stinks in here’

Little girl walking through the woods with a stranger to see his puppies. ‘She says’, I’m getting scared. Stranger says, ‘me too, and I have to walk back on my own’