Sickipedia

I hate seeing these drunks on the street with their cans of extra strong beer. They should pour it into a McDonald's cup like I do.

Graham Greene's final role: Kicking Bucket

Rylan Clark finds love with fairground worker Anal carny can carnally crank any lacy lycra canal

Word of warning: if you're steaming drunk and a bird asks if you'd like to see her 'gaff' make sure it's not actually a crossdresser wanting to show you her fake minge...

Paul Merton is 6 foot 2, filthy rich, very intelligent and has a great sense of humour. Yet from 1990 to 1998 the only bird he could fuck was Caroline Quentin. This is why I'm moving to Thailand.

Took a flight yesterday and half the passengers were coughing their lungs up the whole time. That's the last time I use Qatar Airways.

Too many cooks spoil the broth could be paraphrased: The more brains, the worse the soup

Just started a business selling compasses to Muslims so they know which direction to pray. But they all have North and South back to front so they all point their asshole at Mecca instead. Let's see how many virgins you get now you fuckin paedo terrorists.

Can't believe I am getting done for sexual assault! All I did was give the barmaid a little pat on the bum. Although it was her front bum...

Man crushed to death by wife after she 'stumbled and fell on top of him'. That is going to be a very awkward funeral, but I bet she puts on a good buffet.