Sickipedia

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?" My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well." As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"

A guy is out on the lash with his mates and gets very pissed. By the time he staggers home he's covered in puke and to make things worse, his wife is waiting for him to give him a bollocking. The next week he's out again with his mates, but is avoiding the booze. One of his mates asks why, so he explains what happened when he got home after the last night out. His mate has a tried and trusted idea: "When it happens again, make sure you have twenty quid in your shirt pocket so you can tell your wife that someone else puked on you and put the money in there for the dry cleaning!" Armed with this brilliant suggestion, he proceeds to get completely pissed. Some hours later he falls through the front door, again, covered in puke. His wife freaks. He slurs, "It wasn't me! A guy puked on me! He gave me twenty quid for the cleaning, check my pocket!" His wife looks in his shirt pocket and says, "There's forty quid here." The guy replies, "Yeah, he shat in my pants too."

I spent last night defrosting the fridge, Or foreplay as she likes to call it.

I said to a Policeman "If I called you a cunt would you arrest me? The Policeman replied "Yes I would arrest you". I said "What if I was just thinking you're a cunt"? "There's not much I can do about that" he replied. "Good" I said, "Because I think you're a cunt"!

A good few minutes i was stood trying to cross the really busy road earlier, when some bloke approached me, he said, "Theres a Zebra crossing just down the road". Unimpressed i replied, "Well i hope its having more luck than me".

My wife has been missing since she took the dog for a walk yesterday lunchtime and I'm really starting to worry about her. She could be trapped or injured somewhere or worse still, someone could have taken her and she might be in danger. If anyone can help, she's a brindle staffy puppy called Roxy, and she has a name tag.

What's the difference between a badger and a ferret? I can't ferret my girlfriend into giving me a blowjob.

I joined a Dating website the other day, they asked me what i was interested in,so i wrote, 'Page 3 girls, I think they're really sexy'. I wondered why i hadn't had any responses until i realised the letter 'P' on my keyboard wasn't working......

I shouted over to my neighbour earlier: "Your kid's moustache looks stupid - get it shaved off." "Give me one good reason why I should," he replied. "I'll give you two, Abdul," I said. "She's seven."