Sickipedia

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"

My wife has been missing since she took the dog for a walk yesterday lunchtime and I'm really starting to worry about her. She could be trapped or injured somewhere or worse still, someone could have taken her and she might be in danger. If anyone can help, she's a brindle staffy puppy called Roxy, and she has a name tag.

I joined a Dating website the other day, they asked me what i was interested in,so i wrote, 'Page 3 girls, I think they're really sexy'. I wondered why i hadn't had any responses until i realised the letter 'P' on my keyboard wasn't working......

A good few minutes i was stood trying to cross the really busy road earlier, when some bloke approached me, he said, "Theres a Zebra crossing just down the road". Unimpressed i replied, "Well i hope its having more luck than me".

Paddy pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning bird. Paddy smiles at her and winds his window down. She smiles back and winds her window down. Paddy says 'Have you farted as well'?

The last time I was this nervous over a semi was when I saw Brokeback Mountain.

I shouted over to my neighbour earlier: "Your kid's moustache looks stupid - get it shaved off." "Give me one good reason why I should," he replied. "I'll give you two, Abdul," I said. "She's seven."

Yazz's comeback tour.

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?" My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well." As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

What's the difference between a badger and a ferret? I can't ferret my girlfriend into giving me a blowjob.