Sickipedia

The last time I was this nervous over a semi was when I saw Brokeback Mountain.

Today, in honour of what would of been his 100th Birthday. I have just seen a bunch of dyslexic Africans putting flowers at the door of Nissan Main Dealers..

Paddy pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning bird. Paddy smiles at her and winds his window down. She smiles back and winds her window down. Paddy says 'Have you farted as well'?

I shouted over to my neighbour earlier: "Your kid's moustache looks stupid - get it shaved off." "Give me one good reason why I should," he replied. "I'll give you two, Abdul," I said. "She's seven."

I joined a Dating website the other day, they asked me what i was interested in,so i wrote, 'Page 3 girls, I think they're really sexy'. I wondered why i hadn't had any responses until i realised the letter 'P' on my keyboard wasn't working......

What's the difference between a badger and a ferret? I can't ferret my girlfriend into giving me a blowjob.

My wife has been missing since she took the dog for a walk yesterday lunchtime and I'm really starting to worry about her. She could be trapped or injured somewhere or worse still, someone could have taken her and she might be in danger. If anyone can help, she's a brindle staffy puppy called Roxy, and she has a name tag.

A good few minutes i was stood trying to cross the really busy road earlier, when some bloke approached me, he said, "Theres a Zebra crossing just down the road". Unimpressed i replied, "Well i hope its having more luck than me".

I said to a Policeman "If I called you a cunt would you arrest me? The Policeman replied "Yes I would arrest you". I said "What if I was just thinking you're a cunt"? "There's not much I can do about that" he replied. "Good" I said, "Because I think you're a cunt"!

I spent last night defrosting the fridge, Or foreplay as she likes to call it.