Sickipedia

I had the craziest dream that a Muslim immigrant murdered 5 people and injured over 200 by driving his car through a Christmas market in Germany because their shitty security services ignored several warnings about him. But I've just been on the BBC news website and there's nothing about it at all so I must have imagined the whole thing.

Extreme plastic surgery 'Catwoman' Jocelyn Wildenstein has died. Hopefully they can find a shoebox big enough to bury her in.

Eddie Stobart is up in heaven now. Having to answer to all the prostitutes murdered by his drivers.

I asked Emily Blunt out on a date. She said 'No, fuck off you ugly cunt.'

Kate Cassidy says Christmas is a 'time of grief and sadness' after Liam Payne's death. I'd like to say it's also a time of cookies, since she's getting all the milk she can from this.

Horror in Magdeburg as Chris Rea's SatNav tries to avoid the jams by taking him on a detour through what is usually a quiet city street.

Michael B Tretow has met his Waterloo.

Keely Hodgkinson wins BBC Sports Personality of the Year, to be fair she must have a great personality. Because she sure as hell hasn't got any tits.

What type of wood will Brian Wilson's coffin be? I reckon they'll go with the beech, boys.

Christmas is the one day of the year when I start drinking at 9:30am. Usually I have to get up at 6:30 for work.