Sickipedia

Keir Starmer is considering banning smoking outdoors at pubs. Luckily dartboards with his face on will still be legal.

I had the craziest dream that a Muslim immigrant murdered 5 people and injured over 200 by driving his car through a Christmas market in Germany because their shitty security services ignored several warnings about him. But I've just been on the BBC news website and there's nothing about it at all so I must have imagined the whole thing.

Extreme plastic surgery 'Catwoman' Jocelyn Wildenstein has died. Hopefully they can find a shoebox big enough to bury her in.

Eddie Stobart is up in heaven now. Having to answer to all the prostitutes murdered by his drivers.

I asked Emily Blunt out on a date. She said 'No, fuck off you ugly cunt.'

Starmer & Reeves have killed their first pensioner of the Winter.

2016 - One Direction split 2024 - Liam Payne split

Kate Cassidy says Christmas is a 'time of grief and sadness' after Liam Payne's death. I'd like to say it's also a time of cookies, since she's getting all the milk she can from this.

Alexander Salmond touched me as a roe.

A musician from Wallace and Gromit has been convicted of 29 child sex offences spanning more than 40 years. He worked on the wrong trousers.