Sickipedia

Sophie Hediger the Swiss Olympic snowboarder has died in an avalanche - I bet her family were crushed.

I had the craziest dream that a Muslim immigrant murdered 5 people and injured over 200 by driving his car through a Christmas market in Germany because their shitty security services ignored several warnings about him. But I've just been on the BBC news website and there's nothing about it at all so I must have imagined the whole thing.

I asked Emily Blunt out on a date. She said 'No, fuck off you ugly cunt.'

Extreme plastic surgery 'Catwoman' Jocelyn Wildenstein has died. Hopefully they can find a shoebox big enough to bury her in.

A musician from Wallace and Gromit has been convicted of 29 child sex offences spanning more than 40 years. He worked on the wrong trousers.

When Chris Martin fell through that trapdoor he made a yelp like a little girl. But that's just how he always sings.

When David Fuller heard Liam Payne was dead he got a wand erection.

Just watched an old film where Kate Winslet got naked. She looked pretty fat but It still seems mean that they called it 'Titanic'. Then again she did make the boat sink.

I always look forward to Halloween when all the young women go out dressed like sluts. And every year I'm reminded that I live in England and most of those slags look much better with their clothes on.

Dog walker murdered by Afghan national in triple stabbing in west London. The attack is not being treated as terrorism. So it's just them pesky sand niggers being murderously insane?