Sickipedia

An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss programme. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted with the results. He calls the company and orders stage two.. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next few days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight when he weighs himself, he discovers that he's lost a good chunk of weight. He decides to go for the final stage. The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

I got a new deodorant today. The instructions said remove lid and push up bottom. I can barely move but wherever I fart the room smells lovely.

My gran had her bag snatched while she walked down the high street yesterday, there was piss everywhere!

I entered a blindfold masturbation contest last night... Fuck knows where I came!

My wife threatened to leave me due to my extreme sexual fetishes... I said, "Fine, just slam the door on my cock on your way out!"

We picked up our new puppy yesterday; he’s mostly black with some brown and a small patch of white. We’ve decided to call him Rotherham.

What’s the difference between Batman and a scouser? Batman can leave the house without Robin.

Two sperms have a chat, first sperm says "How much further to the ovaries?" The other sperm replys: “ages away yet , we’ve only just passed the tonsils!!"

What did the Japanese Kamikaze instructor say to his trainees? ‘Right, I’m only going to show you this once!’

I saw a scouser walking down the road with a sign saying, "& Emergency" tucked under his arm. "Where did you get that from?" I asked. He said, "I found it by Accident."