Sickipedia

I was enjoying an historic wank when I was kicked out of the battle of hastings reenactment.

I change my boxers every 10 minutes... just in case I've asymptomatically shat my pants.

What is the biggest type of bed? The sea bed. (My wife came up with this one)

What do you get if you cross a fashion designer and an IED? Georgio One-armey

The health secretary, home secretary and chancellor have formed a new cabinet band - the band name being a composite of their own names. Priti-Ishi-Cock are releasing their debut single, "the cops only batter women for their own safety" on ToryCunt Recordings next week.

Following the Oprah interview, the queen has ordered her lawyers to have her grandson silenced legally. Harry Gaggarty.

I was reading a book about an undercover cop who infiltrated the KKK in America's deep south: "I found myself surrounded by a community of old, fat, sweaty, balding white supremacist types saying the most vile and racist stuff I'd ever heard. The captain then told me to stop browsing sickipedia as he needed me to go undercover and infiltrate the KKK."

BREAKING NEWS: Simon Cowell's bike to be awarded MBE for services to music.

Just rehearsing my audition for the next series of X Factor. I'm going to be performing "Broken Back in Black" by AC/DC.

I've just watched a new TV show where builders carry out a loft conversion for British middle-distance runner Dame Kelly Holmes and then rent out the space to former Aston Villa midfielder Thomas Hitzlsperger. It's called 'Holmes under Der Hammer'.