Sickipedia

Relatively speaking, my uncle is my mother's brother.

I watched a fireworks display on the TV with the family last night. I probably should have lit them outside but you should have seen their faces light up.

The hospital that my daughter is staying at got one direction to visit her. She’s also going to see Liam Payne next week!

I've just been to my Nan's house, and fair play to her, at 94, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the sofa. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer. I'll pop back tomorrow!

As I stuffed twenty quid notes behind her G-string, someone pointed out that wasn’t what you did to guitar players.

I went to a man's house to buy a car. I said, "Everything seems fine. Mind if I take it for a spin round the block?" "No problem," he replied. He laid a brick on the floor, and I screamed, "NEEEEEOOOOOWWWWW" as I drove round it. "It's perfect. I'll take it," I said, handing over twenty quid. I probably paid over the odds, but there were only 50 of those Lego cars ever made.

Why did the black man cross the road? To eat the chicken.

I had a great time when I went to Wales. I got myself a wonderful wool sweater, I had a delicious hotpot and loads of great sex. All from the same animal.

My next door neighbour recently won the lottery. She always had gender issues and felt she was a man trapped in a woman's body, so the first thing she did was have a sex change. Who said money can't buy a penis?

Bike for sale. Contact Mrs Hoy for more information.