Sickipedia

I went on a blind date last night, It didn't start that way... But she had pepper spray

I've got a rape alarm. I keep it as a trophy.

Some bible idiot just tried to tell me a story about Kane and Abel.  What a retard, everyone knows Kane's brother is The Undertaker. 

Congratulations to all the Mother-fucker's who made Mother’s Day possible

Ramadan, putting the slim into Muslim, and they're all singing "gimme gimme gimme a naan after midnight". Paki cunts.

Seriously?? You had one fucking job and you fucked it up, cunt. RIP Sickipedia

I was in ecstasy, with a smile on my face, as my wife moved forwards then backwards.... Forwards then backwards.... Back & forth, back & forth... In and out... In and out.... Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan, then she let out one almighty scream... "I can't park this fucking car, you do it u smug bastard"

My wife arrived back from her driving test. "So," I asked excitedly, "how did you get on?" "Not good," she replied. "He failed me." "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically. "It can't be that bad; what did he pull you up on?" "A rope," she replied. "The car's still in the river."

A blonde is in a swimming competition. She comes in dead last in the 100m breast stroke. After she climbs out of the pool, she walks over to the referee. "I don't want to sound like a sore loser," she says, "but I think the other swimmers were using their arms."

I was told I could look at the eclipse with a colander. I tried it and it just strained my eyes.