Sickipedia

Just a heads up... Scotland, Ireland and Wales, we still like and respect Croatia more than you cunts.

My mate Dave took his prototype Toyota to a car show with me the other day. He wanted to show off the eco friendly modifications he had made. I remember him being so proud of this fully functioning engine being powered by a sheep on a hamster wheel dynamo but understandably everyone was massively sceptical. Nobody believed his lamb was the real engine of prius.

Went seal clubbing yesterday. Won't be hearing any live versions of "Kiss from a rose" for a while.

The missus was going through my sickipedia entries and she wasn't impressed. "A lot of your so called jokes end in violence against women, you must realise that it's no laughing matter" She said with a frown. "Respectfully I disagree. All subject matters should be available for ridicule and it's important to challenge the darkness of life with humour" I replied, in Morse code, with my fist, on her face.

Mo Salah shirts have sold out in Scotland. It's not that anyone there gives a shit about Liverpool but it's understandably easy for a nation of illiterate alcoholics to mistake the name with "No Salad"

When I discovered masturbation at Catholic school I was terrified, I thought I was broken. I couldn't understand why sperm was coming out of my cock instead of my asshole like it normally did.

So I'm here working the bar at a black tie dinner. They're raising funds for an awareness campaign for cultural appropriation. The chinks playing the Mozart string quintet are amazing, there's an all Aboriginal table wearing man made textiles and every single nigger is using a knife and fork. I can't wait to hear more about white people listening to rap music.

Mineral. The first word in a geology artical or every other word in a South African feminist artical?

I went to a Chinese estate agents today after a new flat. It was all going well till I sat down and the rep started giving me fuck. "You want rent a flat fuck sponge?! You want rent appartment spunk muncher?!" I looked at the secretary in shock, she looked back apologetically, "So solly sir.. he has to lets syndrome"

I've just created a new text messaging service for people of colour. Whatsape.