Sickipedia

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for Coronavirus and he then decides to write a letter to everyone? Well I'm not touching the fucker when it comes through my door.

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Coronna virus and the slowdown of the economy, the Government has decided to implement the following schemes to help improve future employment and therefore stimulate the economy. Workers of 50 years of age or more will be forced into retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE. (Retire aged persons early). Those selected to be RAPED can apply for the SHAFT benefits. (Special help after forced termination) Those chosen to be RAPED or SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme. (System covering retired early workers). A person can only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, but can be SCREWED as many times as the Government sees fit. Those that get RAPED can get AIDS (Additional income for dependants & spouses) or HERPES (Half earnings for retired early severence)

Just seen a sign in our local Wetherspoons. "Closed until further notice owing to the Corona virus outbreak. No toilet rolls are kept on the premises".

Following Richard Branson’s call on the Government for financial aid to keep Virgin Atlantic in business during the coronavirus crisis, a worried nation is demanding reassurance that the Government will step in and that Mr Branson’s vast personal wealth will not be impacted in any way whatsoever. “I understand that Mr Branson has asked his entire workforce to take eight weeks unpaid leave,” said Simon Williams, a plumber who has enough savings to look after his family for about six weeks without working. “That’s good. That’s right. I mean, I think his staff should be pulling together to help him. Otherwise, he might have to dip into his £3.8 billion fortune, and nobody wants to see him have to do that. “That would be awful.”

I was in the queue in WHSmiths to pay for my copy of The Qur'an when a mate of mine tapped me on the shoulder and said "You haven't converted to Islam have you"? " Fuck, no" I said. "It's just that I was in Morrison's, Tesco, Sainsbury's and Asda this morning and they've all run out of bog rolls".

You think there's a toilet roll shortage now, wait until all those teenage boys are off school for a fortnight with fuck all to do.

So which musician was the first to die from Coronavirus? Drycoughski

So how come it's only men & women getting killed by this Coronavirus? How come all the other 800 genders aren't getting wiped out?

Connor McGregor finishes in 40 seconds and he's a success. I smash it in 40 seconds and I'm a disappointment.

In light of Liverpool FC's success under Jurgen Klopp, Manchester City have said that their next Manager will also come from Germany. Probably best not to mention the VAR.