Sickipedia

I've just got back from winning the World Domestic Violence Championship. I knocked my daughter out in the semis and beat my wife in the final.

The office Christmas party is nearly here, a time when my colleagues get pissed and have fun while I sit in the corner feeling lonely and desperate. Or Angela and Denise from Accounts, as they're usually known.

What's the difference between Alan Sugar and Theresa May? Alan Sugar's got the bollocks to tell people they're fired.

My wife suffers terribly from alcoholism and violent mood swings. Mine.

The politically correct have renamed Christmas"The Holiday Season" to avoid wasting the time of other religions and offending them. I couldn't agree more, which is why I think Ramadan should be called "International Suicide Bomb Month."

What's the world's most difficult board game? Chinese Guess Who.

Jack and Jill are playing hide and seek in the garden. Jill says "If you can find me, you can lick my cunt and fuck my arsehole. And if you can't find me, I'll be in the shed."

A sign in the cubicle in the pub said "PLEASE LEAVE THIS TOILET AS YOU WOULD WISH TO FIND IT." So I left a rolled up 50 pound note and 3 big lines of cocaine on the cistern.

Not sure why all the sexists are moaning about the BBC today. Personally I don't have a problem with Nurse Who.