Sickipedia

The world’s first online hospital……if any of you actually get the chance to use it, don’t forget to Save it before you log out.

The International Committee for the Exploration of the Seas (ICES) has just announced the terrible news that the numbers of cod in the North Sea are so low that cod fishing should be banned next year to prevent extinction of the fish due to the increasingly low numbers available to spawn. Interestingly enough, today is the 70th anniversary of the introduction of fish fingers to the UK markets. It is a well known fact that in order to get a female fish to release her eggs, a male fish has to finger her to orgasm. When male cod are caught, it is customary to remove their fingers for the traditional British delicacy before throwing the fish back into the sea, as a result female fish go unsatisfied and do not release their eggs. Since we, in this country eat 1.5 million fish fingers per day, the projected shortage of cod will mean the end of traditional fish fingers although other species of fish are available? The fingering of the female fish does affect the taste of fish fingers. You have probably noticed the distinct odour of fish as you cut through the breadcrumbs to get to the meat within, the contents of the fish finger also tend to taste a bit fishy. Suggestions to get round this problem such as resorting to eating cod balls in batter have been declined by ICES for similar reasons as no balls means the castrated cod cannot father codlings. Would baby octopus legs or starfish limbs make a good alternative to fish fingers, they would be available in eight or five packs. Enjoy you lunch today, whilst you still can.

I noticed that today the UK government finally managed to deport an illegal immigrant to France.There is a much simpler and cheaper way….make use of the SBS and those small boats which must be littering up the beaches of Kent by now. Load 10 illegals onto each ‘boat’ along with one SBS soldier armed with a Fairburn Syke knife and set them going, any disruptive behaviour by the migrants, the soldier can simply stab the boat in several places, thereby deflating it and he can then pop over the side for a leisurely swim back to Blighty.

Considering the recent denial, by the courts, to allow the removal of a recently arrived migrant back to France. Back to France....surely a cruel an unusual punishment !

Small ads in the Islington Gazette.....Beautiful Spit Proof jacket required for visiting wanker, will rent for a few days, face cloths also required.

As Kier Starmer Considers his choice of the next ambassador to the USA, can I respectfully suggest George Galloway ? No, okay I'll fuck off then.

ITV, current owners of the Big Brother Franchise today announced they had contracted with the Labour Party to help choose the new deputy leader of the party, candidates to be announced in due course. The candidates will be helicoptered onto the Scottish island of Gruinard for the selection process Kemi Badenoch said she was really looking forward to the bush tucker trials.

Wank Holiday Monday. Did you get your five a day today ? Asking for a friend.

Biddy Baxter dead ! News of her funeral arrangements have just been released. She will not have a conventional burial, nor will she be cremated. Instead she will be interred in a time capsule, to be opened in 2099 !

Before meeting the German chancellor, Donald Trump, remembering Kennedy’s famous German quote in Berlin over 60 years ago decided to go one better so he invited the German ambassador for tea at Trump Tower. Trump rudely stated his desire to learn a German phrase to use on the Chancellor. The ambassador controlled his anger and after about 30 difficult minutes Trump was finally able to speak a phrase in the German language. The meeting with the Chancellor took place in the Oval Office and was broadcast live on Television in both the USA and Germany. The German greeted Donald in English and Trump proudly said “ Ich bin eine Schlampe”. Everyone in the office loudly agreed, applauded and cheered. It wasn’t until much later that a harried junior aide explained the the German word ‘schlampe’ actually meant ‘twat’,