Sickipedia

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered 'THE TEETH.'

Police arrest man after five cats killed in Northampton. Police have named the five pussy's as Hannah, Simon Cowell, John Percival, Phanny Phlaps and Unclebilly.

Unclebilly is a raging faggot... Pass it on

A guy on a market selling blow up dolls was shouting "BLOW UP DOLLS FIFTY POUND, GET YOUR BLOW UP DOLLS FIFTY POUND!!"..A man shouted, "I bought one off you last week and it went down on me!"..Guy said "BLOW UP DOLLS EIGHTY POUND!"

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded baby skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."

I was in the pub with the missus last night, and I said, "I love you." She said, " Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied, "It's me, talking to the beer"...

I went to the sperm clinic earlier. The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good but not ready for competition yet'

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of Rachel Reeves' recent budget announcement. A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Dyno-rod has gone down the drain. The saddest one though is the ice cream van man found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He coulnd't take it any more and topped himself..

I'm Having trouble finding out what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals!!! I'm LIVID