Sickipedia

Opinions are like arseholes. My wife likes to keep hers to herself.

It's so easy these days to find out if you're pregnant. You just piss on a stick and 30 seconds later you get the result. Back in the day it wasn't that easy. Do you know how my dad found out my mum was pregnant? My granda went round and kicked his cunt in.

Why are suicide bombers so excited about getting an assignment? They told they're getting a blow job.

if I had a pound for every time I went round the supermarket without a bloody trolley.

Just saw Loris Karius & Danny Murphy are trending. Liverpool must be debating who they're going to recall to replace Alisson in goals.

My wife managed to avoid becoming a conventional Glaswegian mother by having three kids and just one dad.

Just saw Whitney Cummings nipple photo. Anyone have her bank details? I'm looking to pay her to take it down.

Slept like a baby last night. I had a couple of bottles before bed, woke up every half an hour and shat myself in the middle of the night.

You don’t see many black people at tennis clubs. Must be because they've heard there’s folk in white suits, with bats, having a rally.

It was Champions League night. Liverpool were playing Barcelona and Real.Madrid were playing Bayern Munich. It was the wife's birthday though, and as a hopeless romantic I sat down on the sofa with her, I passed her the remote and I said "Here you go love, I'll let you pick the match".