Sickipedia

An inmate escaped from Rampton hospital North Notts. On escaping the asylum he raped a woman in a nearby village launderette before fleeing into the woods. Headline in the paper the next day. NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS

At the restaurant the pretty waitress asked "how do you like your steak sir" I said " the same way I like my sex" She said "very rare then?"

Recently someone nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out, and escaping with the goods, he was captured only 5 miles away when his van ran out of petrol. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a foolish error running out of fuel, he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

I was woken up by the window cleaner this morning, effing and blinding away... ... think he'd lost his rag.

The Mrs said she wanted treating for her birthday. So I painted her with Cuprinol.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded? You don't know what you're missing!

Whilst I was holidaying in Zimbabwe I witnessed the necklacing of a black woman by local gangs in which they place burning tyres around the neck of their victim. I shouted "stop that right this minute and remove that top tyre , it's illegal" One of the men shouted " what do you mean illegal" I said "you never mix cross plys with radials"

Just been attacked by a ginger kid doing martial arts... turns out he was the Carroty Kid

Last week, my next door neighbour asked me, "Seeing as our houses are the same design, can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the living room?" "Thirteen," I said. Today, he came round looking angry. "I've got three rolls left over!" "So did I!" I said.

My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at School and he still hasn't learnt the word for please... and I think that is poor for four.