Sickipedia

Wigan Athletic have opened the door to Jack Wilshere after the former Arsenal midfielder admitted he had no offers on the table after being let go by Bournemouth. He'll celebrate with a beer and a pack of Amber Leaf in A & E.

A Paralympian took his legs off to reveal stumps that look like Italian sausages. He's a baloney amputee.

Colin Pitchfork raped and murdered two schoolgirls in the 80s and has now been approved for parole. I bet he would dig scything down a spade ho.

Security. Because you weren't quite a big enough cunt to be a copper.

"Thank you for applying to be a police officer Ms. Thompson. Tell me, what are your thoughts on unemployable scrotes who thieve from their grans and bang on about injustice for more than 30 years?" "Scousers should be given equal opportunities too." "Ooh, unlucky. Next."

"Why so you have shit ears, son?" "You always hold them too tight, Dad."

Two weeks on from Steve Bruce's departure, Newcastle are still looking to appoint a manager who can keep them in the Premier League. Steve Bruce is available.

In the pub last night, I asked the barmaid for a pint of lager. She left a gap at the top of the glass. I asked, "Is there room in that for some lime or lemonade?" "Yes." She replied. I said "Fill it with fucking lager then.”

I'm not saying we've had COVID-19 in our household but the washing machine's been coughing since February.

I'm not saying former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott's fat. But if a COVID-19 vaccine's found, he'll probably have two jabs.