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I went to the horse racing today and while I was there I was given a race card. I'm going to use it tomorrow to jump the housing queue and get extra benefits.

BBC Breaking News...... Pakistan have shot down 2 Indian Fighter planes. In response,India have threatened to bomb the highest populated areas of Pakistan. London,Birmingham,Bradford,Rochdale and Oldham are currently being evacuated....

I remember back in October my cat started growing a really thick coat. My wife said, "That means we're gonna have a really bad winter." It was for the cat - she got run over.

I chained my bike to a Pole today. The bastard ran off with it.

Ryanair is proposing a 'fat tax' for obese customers. I think this is a great idea and I'd do it like this. A bit like the hand luggage size test, have a chair with arms at the check-in that passengers have to sit in. When they get up if the chair is still stuck to their arse they pay the tax. The rest of the queue behind them can all cheer and clap and shout "Pay up, you fat cunt!" making the normally dreary check-in experience a more light-hearted affair.

The poor lad attacked by a shark while on honeymoon has died. But he didn't suffer as he had only been married 5 days

My English teacher said " Your grammar is shit." I replied " Your grandad is a cunt."