Sickipedia

are you lonesome tonight is your brastrap too tight are your corsets just drifting apart have you got a big chest making holes in your vest does your spare tyre reach out into the night are your stockings all laddered are you wearing them thin do you hold up yor knickers with a big safety pin are your false teeth all worn do they drop when you yawn well its no wonder your lonesome tonight

Mother Superior was walking in the garden one day when she saw a novice nun working in the vegetable patch. Unfortunately every seed she planted was stolen by the birds, which were sitting, watching her from nearby. "Fuck off!" she shouted, "Just fuck off!" Mother Superior was quite disgusted by this and called her over. "Young lady....... That is NOT how a young nun behaves. Next time the birds steal your seeds, just say shoo....... shoo.... and they'll FUCK OFF by themselves...."

I was in a traffic jam when all of a sudden these two little fuckers are trying to remove my hubcaps! Luckily I keep a golf club in the car, so I jumped out and started laying in to the bastards. Before I knew it there's a whole fucking gang of them attacking the car and I'm on the floor. The missus and the kids were screaming and I was taking a real hiding, before a couple of guys came over to break it all up. "Cheers mate", I said to one of them, "Can you believe the cheek of those twats? Having a go at my car in broad fucking daylight?" But apparently it's "what the monkey's do", and now I'm banned from Knowsley Safari Park.

A car salesman asked me, "What are you looking for in a car?" I said, "It has to be affordable" He said, "I'm sorry sir, I've never heard of a Ford Abble"

Cunnilingus. Best tongue twister ever.

I was driving through an industrial estate today and I saw a big sign that said "Joe's Tool Works". I thought, "So does mine but I don't put up a big fucking sign bragging about it."

Little Johnny,,,, "Miss! I ain't got a bleeding pen!" Teacher,,,,"No, No! Johnny, it's I have no pen or we have no pens or they have no pens" Little Johnny,,,, "So which cunt's got all the fucking pens then?"

Fleas can jump up to twenty times their own height. When I tried to put my cock in my wife's arse, I found out she could as well.

I've just invented a perfume made from holy water. Eau my God.

Noddy wakes up one morning in a very happy mood. He says 'Good morning house' then walks out of the front door and says 'Good morning garden'. He sees his little car and says 'Good morning car'. Then he sees Big Ears walking down the road and he calls 'Good morning Big Ears'. And Big Ears says 'You call me that again you little prick and I'll kick your fucking head in'.