Sickipedia

My wife walked in on me masturbating to porn and screamed "You fucking dirty bastard!" "So What," I said, "every guy does it." "Yes," she replied, "but not in the fucking internet cafe!"

I was at home on my own and a bit bored so I fid what we men do and nipped up toy bedroom. The window and curtains were open but that didn't matter as nobody could see me up there. So I got the porn mag from under my bed and whipped out the one eyed snake. When I reached climax, the dick mayonaise shot out - right out of the window. "Oops." I thought. I went over to the window and saw a man rubbing his head muttering "Fucking pigeons!"

My mate was disgusted with a guy he knew. "He likes Gary Glitter's musoc, has every album. He's worshipping a fucking paedophile. I'd never do that." said my mate Ahmed as he flicked open his Q'uran.

It was raining hard but I was in a cheerful mood so I said to my mate "Lovely weather isn't it?" "Yeah, he replied grumpily, "for fucking ducks." Shocked, I said "Is that legal?"

I was walking my dog in the park when Paul Gascoigne saw my dog. "Awe, he's dead cute," he said, "can I have a stroke?" "Granted!" I said before disappearing back into my lamp.

What do you call the president of Russia standing on a giant savoury cracker? Putin on the Ritz

For World Book day, my 10-year-old daughter dressed in a pen costume that had swastika symbols on it. Her teacher called me into class and said, "What's the meaning of this?" "She's a grammar Nazi." I replied.

R. I. P DFS sale

I was in town earlier when a tramp spouting the message of God robbed me. Beggers belief.

I was listening to Darius's "Colourblind" song. As he sang "you're alive, you're alive", I thought "I may be but you're certainly not!"