Sickipedia

I was walking my dog in the park when Paul Gascoigne saw my dog. "Awe, he's dead cute," he said, "can I have a stroke?" "Granted!" I said before disappearing back into my lamp.

Celebrity psychic Mystic Meg has died... She didn't see that coming!

What do you call the president of Russia standing on a giant savoury cracker? Putin on the Ritz

For World Book day, my 10-year-old daughter dressed in a pen costume that had swastika symbols on it. Her teacher called me into class and said, "What's the meaning of this?" "She's a grammar Nazi." I replied.

R. I. P DFS sale

I was in town earlier when a tramp spouting the message of God robbed me. Beggers belief.

I was listening to Darius's "Colourblind" song. As he sang "you're alive, you're alive", I thought "I may be but you're certainly not!"

Having Ofgem responsible to keep utility companies in line is like having the Mccann's babysit for you.

I volunteer at a charity shop at weekends. The bins are out the back. Well one day, my manager was hoovering the floor with an ancient vaccuum cleaner. She stopped after a while and went to serve a customer on the till. As she went to do so, she said to me "Take that old bag out will you?" Anyway long story short but I've got a date with Hilda, 86 next week.

Womens logic.