Sickipedia

It was raining hard but I was in a cheerful mood so I said to my mate "Lovely weather isn't it?" "Yeah, he replied grumpily, "for fucking ducks." Shocked, I said "Is that legal?"

"I once played football with Princess Diana." I said to a friend. "It must have been a long time ago," he replied, "she died in 1997." "Nah, five minutes ago." I said, kicking her head towards him.

Donald Trump

I hate washing up so was in a bit of a pickle when the dish washer broke down. "You've been shagging my sister." She sobbed.

I was doing some digging in my garden when my nosey neighbour popped his head over the wall and asked what I was doing. "Burying the past. I replied. "Oh, a time capsule?" He asked. "No," I said, "the ex wife."

I'm not saying my wife has a big pussy but the other day I lost a fucking piano down there!

I was at my Paki mate Vaheed's house when I needed a shit. After I'd done a steaming big one, I realised there was no toilet roll. So I used the pages of the Quran he had in the bathroom. Unfortunately it was already full of shit.

I was driving my cab and said to the man in the back "Where to mate?" I got no answer so said to his sister "Bit shy is he?" "No," she replied, "he's fucking dead. Mow drive this bloody hearse to the church."

I don't know why people say Liverpool are shit at football. I remember the time they brought the house down.

I was walking down the street when I saw a Muslim woman in full dress. "That reminds me," I thought, "I must post that letter."