Sickipedia

My boss told me that as a security guard it's my job to watch the office. I'm not sure what it's it got to do with security, but I'm on season six.

My girlfriend used to give me the best blowjobs... until she started to grow teeth.

I think shredded cheese should be banned in England. Make Britain grate again.

I was breast fed until 3. But enough about my day, how was yours?

What's the advantage of working at an abortion clinic? No need to buy dog food.

My girlfriend has stopped appreciating my jokes since her medical procedure. It's like that abortion killed her inner child

The bathroom had no toilet paper and all I had to use was the money in my pocket. So I did what had to be done. It was tough and a little messy, but for a clean ass? Best 43p I'd ever spent.

What do you give a lemon when it gets hurt? Lemon Aid

I was walking down the street last night when a gang of guys came walking towards me. "Give me your fucking wallet you cunt..." Probably wasn't the best thing to say to their leader.

A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock. Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?” To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!” Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?” To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!” Cinderblock says to her mother, “hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??!”