Sickipedia

Mr Caterpillar is talking to Mrs Caterpillar in bed.... For the hundredth time... I said you need to spread your legs!

I gave the Wife a Dart and a World map for Christmas. What's all this about? she asked. I explained that I was going to stick the map to the wall, she throws the dart and wherever it landed I'll book a holiday for this summer. Long story short... looks like we're in for two weeks behind the fridge.

What do you call a woman with a police car on her head? Nina.

3.8 billion women on the planet. You'd think it would be clean by now.

Paddy goes to his work one Monday morning and says to his workmates, my best friend Mick dropped dead on Saturday. He was only 37, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out every day, he just dropped dead. His workmates said... "Jesus Paddy what happened?" Paddy said.... his parachute didn't open!

My trampoline business in Prague got in to trouble. Too many Czech's bouncing.

You know what is disgusting? . . When you lick your own grandma, realize the taste of horse sperm... . and suddenly you know, how she died.

I've noticed that when parents go in to the Baby Changing facilities they invariably come back with the same one. Perplexing.

All I'm saying is, at any point during that ride through the desert he could have given the horse a name.

I just donated £50 to an LGBT group. I really hope it helps them find a cure.