Sickipedia

Funny, I can remember every word to a song from 20 years ago, but I have no clue what my bloody email password is.

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them. "We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor." The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, "OK... I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?" "We have no cellphone reception at all in our village whatsoever."

I got myself a special high-tech senior citizens GPS system... . . Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to fuckin' go there in the first place.

Memorizing pothole locations is a survival skill where I'm from.

Q: What is worse, a stock market crash or a divorce? . . . A: Stock market crash... . . . Like in the divorce, you lose half of your money, but the wife is still there.

It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away but l lose my WiFi signal in my kitchen.

I was sexually active at 10. It's now 10:15 and my arm hurts.

Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a Wank in the kitchen... She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life. Afterwards he says... "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why?" She answers... "I only washed the floor this morning... I'd rather clean my teeth than get the fucking mop out again!!"

When you first meet me, you'll think I'm on medication. As you get to know me, you'll wonder why I'm not.

The longer I live on this planet... . . . the more I understand why roosters start their day screaming.